When anyone argues and questions me about taking my issues with my father too far. I start seeing the person as a new arch enemy or thinking maybe my father bribed him. Or they both are on the same mental level of emotionally abusing their wives and kids.
Nigeria in me taught and nurtured me to respect my elders and parents especially our fathers. For no reason should I raise my voice at them or reject their decision for me, because it is assumed they are always right. This knowledge affected me negatively or will I say my father took his parenting to a negative climax.
That at some point I hated and wished he never existed. Even while far away the fear of him is still present. I had wished I came from a different home.
Thank God for my mum, even though she was a victim too.
So I don’t blame you if you’re finding it difficult and hard forgiving your abuser or anyone who at some point in life wrecked your emotions and made you want to give up on life.
Forgiveness is so easy to pronounce and spell but difficult to practice. Most times we say we forgive but we cant forget or we forget but we can’t actually forgive.
Letting go of the baggage…
Forgetting without forgiving is like bathing without soap or washing your clothes without detergents. And when you forgive without forgetting, you’re simply washing without rinsing. The stains and smell of sweats will still be there
So let me ask how comfortable will you be wearing a clothe, you washed without soap or washed with soap without rinsing?
You’ll feel uncomfortable right?
That’s it! If you’re still heavy, burdened, caged and your heart is filled with it the thoughts of all you experienced and encountered, it’s difficult to heal.
Just like me if you’re still battling negative thoughts, your mind will become a war zone of thoughts – the ugly, the bad, and the worst. Always making sure, to give you ideas of the worst ways to retaliate, revenge, and avenge yourself.
But, if you wish to grow past your level of hurt, bitterness, self judgement, guilt, condemnation, shame and regrets into a new lit of love and sound mind, YOU MUST LET GO!
Forgiveness is simply letting go and shifting your perspective to a positive path. To forgive, is accepting to let go of the anger and grudges. It is the freedom of your heart, unlocking of your mind to receive something positively great and taking a turn to a different path that leads to healing.
When I started my journey to let go and embrace a more simple and happy life, it was difficult but more difficult than having to bear these grudges in the heart all these years.
Accepting Your Need Forgiveness
When it comes to everything in life, the more you live in denial or reject it, or try to push it away, the more it draws nearer or returns back to you. These same goes with the emotional baggage that’s weighing you down.
I accepted within me that this isn’t the type of life I needed or the kind I wanted for myself. Acceptance is your first breakthrough because you must have admitted to being aware of the havoc not-letting-go have rendered to your mental health.
Be kind to yourself and accept you are bitter, you are heavy in your heart wit grudges, you are hurt, you are angry, you need change, you are confused, and in despair.
Confront Your Abuser
Confronting your abuser makes you emerge from your emotional trauma stronger than ever. Because you’re simply making it easy for the trauma’s perpetrator to actually understand their mistake and genuinely apologize.
Confronting your abuser is simply confronting your fears and hurt to make a room for self healing.
To me, my parents are gods on earth, I worshiped them and endured whatever hot sauce my dad served on the table.
But, my dad was my fears, his face, his voice; I was afraid of him that I never dared to confront him. He has this tricky way of controlling everything and everyone around him and when you gather strength and courage to defend yourself, he would emotionally blackmail you and subdue you back into a darker hole.
I grew up to face my fears, I grew up to tell it to my dad’s face all the things he said to us that was abusive, devaluing, and degrading. Letting him know I know what he did to me even though he is acting ignorant. I made sure I said them to him with every conviction in my spirit. This wasn’t me insulting him or abusing but I was spitting out all the venom he forced down my throat.
After that I felt better that I have finally stood up for myself. Well, I simply spoke the truth I know and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Confrontation doesn’t make you abusive, so don’t be afraid that you’ll turn out to be just like your abuser when you express your anger and hurt.
Please, don’t ever confront your abuser if you are not ready to, or you will get soaked back to a worse state of mind. So remember, forgiveness and letting go opens door to healing.
Just so you know, whether or not to forgive is a choice only you can make.
And you’re not a bad person if you decide not to forgive. But, you need forgiveness more than your abuser needs it.
Don’t read this and force yourself to embrace forgiveness when you haven’t yet decided or the feeling isn’t coming naturally because it can actually be counterproductive to healing.
I know you got this, and you can do IT!