I never knew I was missing out on the total package of pure bliss because I was blindly wrapped in criticism and anger and what I couldn’t change.
For 15years, I forgave my father over and over again, letting go all the injustice I think we‘ve endured under him (my mum the most because she married him). But, I never stopped hurting and reminiscing about it the painful feeling and chaos we often experience whenever he is around.
I always find myself talking about everything bad against him and dreamed the perfect revenge. It just like a scar but I’m ignoring never happened.
Don’t get me wrong, forgiveness is like letting off all that weighs you down so you can fly higher but it’s not healing. Healing doesn’t come naturally because you forgave your abuser. It naturally comes after forgiveness because you met the real you that isn’t defined by pains, depression, shame or guilt.
One day, my aunt asked me to come over for a weekend to help her plan for her birthday party, I was never in the mood for anything like a party but I wasn’t going to say NO. She has been my no1 support after my mum.
I decided to get busy. I arrived at Port Harcourt a bit earlier than I expected, and my aunt has already left for work but I met the husband. I’m not much a talker and he wasn’t either. We gave ourselves the ‘Silence-no-talking” until he broke the silence and asked after my dad. I felt scared and angry that I flamed to talk and cry.
In all these, he asked me- Will I allow my dad’s choice of abusing and neglecting us to define me? I rolled my eyes and tears stopped flowing down. It wasn’t the question I wanted to hear nor was expecting it.
So I couldn’t answer.
He said 15 years should have taught me a lesson that he isn’t ready too change from whom he is, but ‘WHO ARE YOU?’
I couldn’t sum up to summarize who I am or want to be. I was even in more despair emotionally.
The feeling of despair was because I discovered I have gotten addicted to the abuse and that my mind wasn’t ready open to commit to healing while in the right sense I thought I was already healing.
Right then, I knew I was in his shadow and I have his scent and smell all over me. I thought I was healing but I was scaring myself even deeper than the wound.
I misunderstood healing to be letting go and forgetting it never happened. But, it did. And I never forgot.
Even still on this journey to heal my punctured low self-esteem and emotions, I still haven’t magically started feeling bold and confident enough rather I’m experiencing more self doubts and becoming even less confident about myself.
It’s always messed up when you feel you’re ready to start healing but you can’t. Because it’s not what thought we know. You believe what seems easy so you don’t heal inside. Sort of a mind game, our mind plays us. It has mended the pains and patched it up so well that it isn’t ready to reopen old wounds.
When we desire and have an intention to heal, all of the creeping shit locked up inside start coming out. Yes, these are things that prevent our healing. The come to block our desires to begin healing.
But so you have it in mind, it doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path.
To me, healing has become who I am before the emotional abuse, getting to see my true self for who I am.
It’s like wiping the dust off whatever surface you have in your home to reveal its true color and be used for its purpose.
It’s becomes the story I’m telling without bitterness or regret whatsoever.
You’re wiping off the layers of fear, doubt, shame, guilt and pain that is covered beneath. You clean it again and again because life always happens. And you shouldn’t get tired of cleaning, to heal is a commitment to change your life.
Healing is a process, not a magical pill, it just widens your eyes to see beyond those cloudy gunk and meet the real YOU.
In the end, I knew I needed to find happiness; and be happy. So allow yourself to know you’re doing the best you can (and make sure it’s the best) in this impossible situation you’ve found yourself in. Because the more you begin to assure yourself and rest on this truth, the softer your heart will become and more peace you can experience within you.